Playing The Hero
by Helen C
Summary: Ryan helps a damsel in distress one last time. Character death.
1. Chapter 1

**Title** : Playing The Hero

**Author** : Helen C.

**Rating** : PG

**Summary** : Ryan helps a damsel in distress one last time.

**Disclaimer** : The characters and the universe were created and are owned by Josh Schwartz. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.

**Warning** : Character death.

**A/N** : A plot-less, angsty, drabbly five-shots.

Many thanks to Joey51, who did an awesome job beta'ing this for me.

* * *

**Part I**

Ryan can hear the words, and even understand them, but they don't make sense once they're strung together as sentences.

"Stay calm, kid."

Ryan's puzzled, because why wouldn't he be calm?

"Don't worry."

But he's not worried.

He feels fine, if a little tired.

"Can you tell me your name?"

"Ryan," he says, thinking, _Of course, I can_.

What kind of stupid question is that?

"Back with us?" another voice asks.

Then, he hears hurried orders and he can't understand the words anymore. It's too hard to keep his eyes open, so Ryan allows himself to drift off.

………………………….

When he awakes again, there's a woman leaning over him, smiling gently, saying that he's fine, that his family has been called, that they're coming.

_How is that possible_? he wonders.

The Cohens are in California and Ryan lives in New York now. He's a freshman in college, and every time he calls home, Sandy asks him how he likes New York, and if he has seen the Nana this week, and if she's nice to him.

He tries to speak, but he doesn't think the woman can hear him.

"Your grandmother is on the way," the woman tells him.

Ryan doesn't have a grandmother, but he sinks back into unconsciousness before he can tell the woman as much.

………………………….

The third time he wakes up, he remembers everything—he was going back to his dorm and he heard a scream and when he turned the corner of the building there was a girl fighting off someone and he tried to help her.

He must have lost the fight.

He always loses when he fights, and he sometimes wonders why he even keeps trying.

He must be in the hospital then.

He wishes he could look around to check, but he can't move.

"Is somebody here?" Ryan asks, and he's surprised when he hears his own voice—low, scratchy, as if he hasn't used it in a while.

He hears a soft, "Don't try to move," and the Nana enters his line of sight, looking like she has been crying.

_That_, Ryan thinks_, that isn't a good sign_.

Even in his weakened, confused state, he knows that the Nana doesn't cry.

Ever.

And why shouldn't he try to move anyway?

"The girl?" he asks, because he remembers that the girl was screaming at some point.

"She's fine," the Nana says. "Be quiet and rest."

Rest sounds like a good idea, but Ryan needs to ask first, because he knows that the Nana won't lie to him no matter what.

He doesn't know her that well, but he knows enough to be sure that the Nana doesn't cry, and doesn't lie.

"What's wrong with me?"

The Nana smiles. "Nothing." Then, she adds, "Sandy and Kirsten are on the way. Seth, too."

_But why are the Cohens on the way if nothing is wrong with me?_ Ryan wonders.

………………………….

The fourth time Ryan opens his eyes, he's in a brightly lit room, and there's a woman wearing surgical scrubs on his left, and a man on his right. Since no one is telling him what the hell's going on, Ryan chooses to assume that they're doctors.

"You need to relax," the woman says.

"I'm relaxed," Ryan replies, and feels like laughing for a while, because he knows what Seth would say to that.

_"Dude, you don't do relaxed." _

_That_'s what Seth would say.

No one has told him why he's here, and Ryan would like to know, so he asks again, and he catches the look that the two doctors exchange over him.

"You're going to be fine," the woman says.

Ryan has always been able to spot liars, and he feels his heart sink slightly.

"Am I going to die?" he asks, and it's such a melodramatic question that he wishes he could take it back, if only so the woman wouldn't look at him so compassionately.

"No, of course not," she says.

Then another woman speaks up from behind him, tells him that she's giving him something that'll make him sleepy, and could he please start counting backwards from ten, and Ryan wants to ask them to stop, to give him another chance to talk to his family before they put him under, but everything fades to black before he can even try to speak again.

* * *

TBC 


	2. Chapter 2

**Title** : Playing The Hero

**Author** : Helen C.

**Rating** : PG

**Summary** : Ryan helps a damsel in distress one last time.

**Disclaimer** : The characters and the universe were created and are owned by Josh Schwartz. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.

**Warning** : Character death.

**A/N** : A plot-less, angsty, drabbly five-shots.

Many thanks to Joey51, who did an awesome job beta'ing this for me.

* * *

**Part II**

"I'm so terribly sorry," the doctor says.

They're all standing in the middle of the corridor; the doctor, a forty-something, greying man, looks like he tells this kind of news a few dozen times a week, to dozens of families, which he probably does, come to think of it.

The first, absurd thought that goes through Sandy's mind is that it would be easier, somehow, if the person to tell them that Ryan had died during the surgery, "despite all our best efforts," had never done that before, and would never do it again.

Perhaps it would make it sound less… insignificant.

Perhaps then, it wouldn't sound like Ryan was just a number on the list of people that couldn't be saved.

The doctor tells them, "I'll be around if you want to talk to me," and leaves.

Then, simultaneously, Kirsten starts crying and Seth runs out of the room.

For a few seconds, all Sandy can do is stand there, arms hanging at his side.

Then, his mother, God bless her caring, hard-ass, no-nonsense ways, rushes after Seth, but not before yelling at Sandy to take care of Kirsten.

So, Sandy wraps his arms around the shaking, crying Kirsten, feels her tears going through the fabric of his shirt, and for the life of him, he can't understand what happened and why he feels so shattered.

……………………………

"He saved that girl's life," the cop is saying.

Seth snorts, his eyes and nose red, his hair unkempt.

Sandy has finally managed to convince Kirsten to go back to the Nana's place and to take a sleeping pill, and Sandy trusts that his mother will make sure that there isn't a drop of alcohol left in the house by the time Kirsten wakes up.

And now Sandy is left here to deal with the "details," and trying very hard not to think about the fact that they're discussing Ryan's death—the death of his son.

"What?" Sandy says.

"There was a girl, she was being attacked, and your son saved her life."

_And died in the process_, a little part of Sandy's brain starts chanting.

The cop is still standing there, obviously waiting for a reaction, but Sandy doesn't _have_ a reaction.

He stopped feeling when his mother called and said, "Sandy, Ryan's in the hospital, and I'm sorry, but you need to get on the first flight here."

His mother didn't answer any of Sandy's questions, he remembers that now.

She just said to hurry, that the doctors were doing everything they could, that she would stay with Ryan until Sandy and Kirsten arrived.

Sandy and Kirsten rushed to the airport, and when they learned that their flight was delayed, Sandy thought that at least, if Ryan woke up, there'd be someone he knows with him. He remembers feeling grateful that his mother had decided that she didn't like Florida after all and was back in New York.

He spent the flight squeezing Kirsten's hand, and neither of them said a word, until they reached the hospital and took one look at his mother's face.

Sandy has to close his eyes for a moment, as he remembers how… compassionate, his mother had looked.

_He saved her life._

Naturally, Ryan had to go and play the hero.

Naturally, he couldn't, for once in his life, call for help _before_ heading into danger.

After all, that's who Ryan is.

Then it dawns on Sandy and he corrects himself.

That's who Ryan _was._

Unable to look the other way when people needed his help.

Unable to resist a damsel in distress.

Naturally, he had to try and help the girl.

_And die in the process._

……………………………

The cop tells him that the girl will probably want to talk to them at some point, and Sandy nods.

He doesn't know what else to do.

Seth is staring at his hands, his jaw clenching and unclenching, and Sandy puts an arm on his son's shoulder and lets it rest there.

He doesn't know what else to do.

A kind-looking nurse comes to ask him if he wants to see Ryan, and for a brief second, Sandy's heart beats faster—perhaps it was all a horrible mistake, perhaps Ryan is still alive. Then the woman's face softens, still that compassionate look, so Sandy resigns himself and nods: yes, he'd like to see Ryan.

He follows the woman through hallways, elevators, waiting rooms; the journey seems endless, and Sandy wishes it really was, given what awaits him at the end of it.

They enter a room and things get blurry between the moment when Sandy realizes the room is cold and harshly-lit and the moment when he stares down at the face of his son.

He expected Ryan to look cold, or peaceful, or any of those other clichés, but he doesn't.

He just looks dead.

"Did he hurt?" Sandy asks.

"He was unconscious most of the time," the nurse replies.

"Was he…"

_Was he scared? _

_Did he ask for us? _

_Was he scared?_

_Did he know what was happening to him?_

_Was he scared?_

_Was he in pain?_

"He woke up a few times and we kept him as comfortable as we could," the nurse says. "He was under anaesthesia when he…" She trails off then adds with a reassuring smile, "He wasn't in any pain."

She sounds nice and convincing, yet Sandy is far from convinced.

He wants to know the truth, wants to know if Ryan knew what was happening to him, but at the same time, he really doesn't want to know, and he's almost grateful for his ignorance.

It hurts enough already, it hurts _too much_ already, to know that Ryan is dead. Sandy isn't sure he could take it if someone told him that Ryan was scared and hurting when he died.

The nurse leaves with a soft, "I'll be right there if you need me."

Sandy puts a tentative hand on Ryan's forehead, finds it cold and starts crying.

He doesn't know what else to do.

* * *

TBC... 


	3. Chapter 3

**Title** : Playing The Hero

**Author** : Helen C.

**Rating** : PG

**Summary** : Ryan helps a damsel in distress one last time.

**Disclaimer** : The characters and the universe were created and are owned by Josh Schwartz. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.

**Warning** : Character death.

**A/N** : A plot-less, angsty, drabbly five-shots.

Many thanks to Joey51, who did an awesome job beta'ing this for me.

* * *

**Part III**

The three days following Ryan's… death (Kirsten can't stop hesitating before the two words, and she doesn't want to—if she starts saying it all in one breath, then she'll have accepted it, it will have become real, and she doesn't want Ryan's… death to become real) are spent in a flurry of movement.

First, there's the flight back to California, during which Kirsten tries to stay focused on the seat in front of her, on Seth's shaking hands, on Sandy's shell-shocked face, and not on the fact that there's a coffin in the plane, and that, somehow, it makes Ryan more of a thing put in a box than a person with dreams and feelings and hopes and memories.

A person who was loved.

A person Kirsten loved.

She had to grit her teeth when the airport personnel talked about "the coffin," and not "her son."

_It happened so fast_, she keeps thinking.

He had called home that morning, to tell her about a class he wanted to take but couldn't because there were too many students registered already. "I'm on a waiting list, I'll take it next semester," he'd said, and when Kirsten thinks about that now, she wants to scream.

_It's not fair_, she keeps thinking.

Ryan had survived his parents, his childhood, Marissa, Oliver, Trey, only to die all alone on the other side of the country, just as things were starting to look up for him.

He had had to fight to finish high school, he had had to fight to graduate with Seth and the others, he had had to fight to get into college, and now, all that was for nothing.

And yes, tragedies happen every day, and yes, young people die every day, but Ryan isn't just yet another tragedy.

He was her son, in all but name and blood.

He was her son.

……………………………

Once the Cohens are back in California, good-wishers start to swamp the house, and there are people to call, a PI to hire to try to find Dawn again, a graveyard slot to buy, arrangements to be made for the funeral.

It doesn't sound right to think about Ryan and funeral at the same time.

She keeps expecting him to emerge from the pool house, keeps expecting him to tell her that everything is going to be all right, keeps expecting him to tell her that he's fine and not to worry, with a shy smile and a small shrug.

But Ryan doesn't emerge from the pool house.

Instead, there are Newpsies all over the place, with sympathetic smiles that don't reach their eyes, and empty words about a boy they never even took the time to know.

After a few hours of hearing the same words over and over again, Kirsten snaps and throws everyone out.

More than a few of her friends shoot strange looks at her, but Kirsten ignores them.

They'll get over it.

……………………………

Marissa calls, late that evening, sobbing so hard that Kirsten can't understand what the girl is saying.

She doesn't feel strong enough to comfort Marissa.

Right now, she barely has the strength to stay sober, to _not_ take the car and drive to the first store she can find and empty a bottle of vodka and sink into oblivion.

"Call your mother, sweetie," Kirsten tells Marissa.

Marissa says something, and Kirsten decides that it must have been a yes, so she says, "Good," and hangs up.

It's probably a little unfair to leave Marissa to deal with this alone, especially since Julie never liked Ryan and is unlikely to empathize with her daughter's pain, but Kirsten has to think about her family.

She has to think about Seth, who is holed up in his room and hasn't come out for hours, and about Sandy, who, once he was done talking to the PI, went to his office and closed the door on a mumbled, "Give me a minute."

Kirsten has to help her family first.

She likes Marissa, but the girl wasn't even with Ryan anymore; and Marissa will need more support than Kirsten feels capable of giving.

It has been over an hour since Sandy has disappeared, Kirsten notes, and she makes her way to his office.

……………………………

Neither Kirsten nor Sandy sleep well that night.

In fact, Kirsten hasn't even closed her eyes, and given the way Sandy is lying ramrod stiff next to her, she'd bet that he didn't rest either.

"I still can't believe it," she whispers, as the sky starts to lighten, the shape of the furniture in the room becoming more precise as the light gets brighter.

"Me neither," Sandy replies, flatly.

Soon enough, they'll have to get up and face the day, and Kirsten would be more than happy to hide in her room until…

Until.

That's not an option, she knows, but in the meantime, she'll take whatever reprieve she can get.

* * *

TBC… 


	4. Chapter 4

**Title** : Playing The Hero

**Author** : Helen C.

**Rating** : PG

**Summary** : Ryan helps a damsel in distress one last time.

**Disclaimer** : The characters and the universe were created and are owned by Josh Schwartz. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.

**Warning** : Character death.

**A/N** : A plot-less, angsty, drabbly five-shots.

Many thanks to Joey51, who did an awesome job beta'ing this for me.

* * *

**Part IV**

Seth doesn't want to be here.

Of course, he's sure that everyone around him could say the same.

They kept the funeral quiet and small, and there aren't many people attending.

Seth and his parents, Summer, Marissa and her mom—who seems bored and annoyed at being here—Luke and the few guys from the Harbor soccer team that Ryan had kept in touch with.

Trey is still on the run.

The PI hasn't been able to find Dawn yet.

Ryan's father was released from jail and vanished without a trace three months ago.

It seems like a pitifully small crowd, but it would be worse, Seth thinks, if the place was full of Newpsies who didn't give a damn about Ryan when he was alive.

The priest is talking about the kind of man Ryan was, which seems ridiculous, since he didn't even know him, and then he says something about how Ryan is in a better place now, and given how shitty Ryan's life had been so far, Seth sure as hell hopes so.

Seth doesn't recognize his best friend in the priest's words—the priest doesn't know about Ryan's smiles, the ones that reached his eyes, the rare ones, that were reserved for the Cohens. He doesn't know about how hard Ryan had worked to find his place in the Cohens family. He doesn't know that it was starting feel like he had managed, at long last, to feel loved, and Seth hopes that if Ryan woke up in the hospital, he was lucid enough to remember that he had a family.

The priest is saying something about how Ryan's life made everyone else's better, and about how he bravely saved somebody's life, and Seth has to repress a snort, because yeah, sure, Ryan saved someone's life.

Too bad no one could save Ryan's life.

Things would suck a great deal less if someone had managed to keep Ryan with them.

Of course, Seth heard what the doctor said when he talked to his father, back in New York, after his father had gone to see Ryan, and before they left the hospital to go back to the Nana's place.

The doctor spent a while listing all of Ryan's injuries, and while most of it flew right above Seth's head, he managed to catch a few words.

"Stabbed."

"Kicked in the back."

"Spine injury."

"Paralyzed."

"Internal bleeding."

And yeah, sure, perhaps that even if Ryan had survived, things would have sucked.

From what Seth understood, Ryan would, at the very least, have been paralyzed from the waist down—something about a series of furious blows to his back, and broken bone fragments.

Details don't matter.

Paralyzed or not, Ryan would have been _there_.

Seth doesn't doubt that his friend would have found a way to pick up the pieces and move on—he had lived through worse, after all.

Ryan would have been there.

Rolling his eyes at Seth, or glaring, or laughing at one of his jokes.

Angsting over Marissa.

Chuckling a little at Summer's jokes or teasing her with his terrible impersonations.

Smiling bashfully at Seth's mom, helping her in the kitchen.

Looking embarrassed at Sandy's pride.

Just… there.

A sniffle brings Seth's attention back to the present, and he looks at Summer, who is blinking quickly, trying to stop tears from falling.

"Stupid Chino," she whispers when their eyes meet. "I'm going to mess up my make-up."

_Who cares_? Seth thinks, but doesn't say.

The priest is done talking, not one minute too soon, and as the coffin is being lowered into the ground, Marissa starts wailing. Julie leads her away, sending an apologetic look at Seth's mom, who nods in acknowledgement.

None of the Cohens have cried, not since that night.

Seth doesn't doubt that the tears will come back, and certainly sooner rather than later, but for now, they're all calm and collected.

_It's fitting_, Seth thinks.

Ryan, after all, wasn't big on emotional displays, and wouldn't have wanted them crying too hard over him.

Ryan probably wouldn't have thought that he was worth being cried over, and naturally, now, Seth's eyes are burning and he's the one sniffing.

Seth's parents are going back to the car, and Luke approaches Seth as he starts to make his way out of here too.

"I'm sorry," Luke says.

Seth nods, not trusting his voice.

"If you want to come by the house later, I'll be there with a few guys."

Seth nods, but he already knows he won't go.

These guys will talk about a Ryan Seth didn't know—the jock, the one who liked sports, the one who could laugh at some of their jokes.

Seth will be alone to remember another Ryan—the one who put up with Seth's chatter, the one who pretended to like comic books for Seth's sake, the one who studied physics and had a crush on Lindsay and who looked so lost and lonely the day Dawn walked out on him.

He almost prefers it this way—that way, he doesn't have to share his memories with anyone, he can keep them to himself and treasure them.

* * *

TBC 


	5. Chapter 5

**Title** : Playing The Hero

**Author** : Helen C.

**Rating** : PG

**Summary** : Ryan helps a damsel in distress one last time.

**Disclaimer** : The characters and the universe were created and are owned by Josh Schwartz. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.

**Warning** : Character death.

**A/N** : A plot-less, angsty, drabbly five-shots.

Many thanks to Joey51, who did an awesome job beta'ing this for me.

* * *

**Part V**

There are flowers on the grave—a bunch of lilies that look exactly like what Seth's mom would like, and a pitiful, faded bunch of yellow roses. Seth doesn't know who put them there, but he has suspicions.

It doesn't matter.

He's not here for the flowers.

He's here to spend a few minutes staring at the tombstone, trying to find something to say, before deciding that thinking or, even worse, talking alone in a cemetery is too cliché, too creepy, too pathetic, even for him.

Seth has spent a lot of time in the last few months feeling angry at Ryan.

No matter how many times the Cohens had told him that he was dear to them, and to please be careful, he still ended up listening to his overdeveloped feelings of duty, and getting himself killed.

The girl he saved wrote to the Cohens once, and sent a card for Christmas.

Seth thinks his parents replied to the letter, but he doesn't know what they're going to do about the card, and can't bring himself to care.

The guy who killed Ryan is being tried now, and according to Seth's dad, he should be sentenced to ten years, and paroled in maybe five.

_Not nearly enough_, Seth thinks.

The Cohens are doggedly trying to live on.

Seth's mom still cries fairly often, he knows.

His dad is greying fast now, and looks sad pretty much all the time, and has started to work at the PD's office again, which was predictable.

Seth is still dating Summer, and Marissa hasn't called any of them in weeks, and they know that Julie is worried about her.

_You'd be worried too, I bet,_ Seth thinks, looking at the grave.

There's no answer, but then Ryan was never big on words.

They all dutifully went through the stages of grief, and talked to a therapist, like good little WASPs that they are, and Seth doesn't think it helped, not even a little, but he has to admit that the pain is starting to abate somewhat.

But only somewhat.

…………………………..

"Are you sure about that?" Kirsten asks the Nana.

"Certain," the Nana replies, her tone brooking no argument.

"Thank you."

The Nana nods and goes back to baking cookies.

She has been incredibly nice to all of them, since that day, and Sandy and Kirsten can't forget that she stayed with Ryan until they arrived, that she was the last person of their family who he saw.

"You know, I never said so to Seth, but I like the idea of Chrismukkah," the Nana says after a while.

Kirsten chuckles. "You should tell him. I think he's always been worried about your reaction, as it's not…"

"One hundred percent Jewish?" the Nana finishes when Kirsten trails off.

"Something like that."

There's a companionable silence as the Nana puts the cookies in the oven and Kirsten sips her Coke. "I think Ryan liked it, too," she says out of the blue.

It has been happening to her a lot recently. She and Sandy, or Seth, talk about something, and she throws in a little something about Ryan.

"Who wouldn't?" the Nana asked.

"As much as he could like any holiday," Kirsten adds.

It's hard to talk about Ryan, to dredge up old memories, but it would be even harder not to talk about him—it would letting him fade away, forgetting him, and Kirsten can't accept that.

"You miss him," the Nana states, her tone neutral.

Kirsten nods. At this point she probably wouldn't be able to talk without breaking down.

"It's okay," the Nana says, reaching over and patting Kirsten's hand.

Kirsten smiles and drinks, thinking that it's not okay yet, but that it will be, because there's no other choice.

…………………………..

Sandy looks out at the sea, a coffee in one hand, the newspaper in the other.

It's too early for Seth and Kirsten to be up, and Sandy enjoys the quiet, before Chrismukkah hits full gear. Seth can be a little overwhelming sometimes, when he's in the holiday spirit. He has been quieter this year, though, and much as Sandy would like to be relieved, he can't be—not when he knows why Seth is subdued.

Sometimes, they're almost fine, the three of them, and then it hits them again.

The pool house is empty now. He and Kirsten took Ryan things out and put them in an empty room on the first floor, and no one has slept in the pool house since Ryan. The last time Hailey visited them, she asked if she could have it; Kirsten blanched, and Hailey backtracked quickly, saying that it was okay, that she would take the guest room.

Sandy almost felt bad for her, but this had been Ryan's room, and it would remain so.

Dawn called Sandy yesterday, crying, accusing him again of getting her son killed. Sandy would like to be mad at her, but he can't. She lost her son, and he understands her need to lash out.

Besides, there is some truth in what she says.

Sandy told Ryan, several times, that he couldn't be expected to save everyone around him, but Sandy himself is well-known for his tendency to try and save people. Without that, Ryan would never have become a Cohen.

He knows that Seth is angry at Ryan for getting himself killed, and Sandy is, too, a little, but mostly, he understands and accepts that this was who Ryan was, and it was one of the reasons why Sandy loved him so much.

"Hey, dad," Seth says, startling him.

Sandy smiles. "Hey, sleep well?"

"Not really." Seth shrugs, a crooked smile on his lips. "I'm too used to dorm life; I can't sleep when it's quiet anymore."

Sandy nods. "I remember dorm life," he says.

Seth blushes, and Sandy chuckles. "Subtle, son."

Seth blushes some more, and changes topic abruptly. "So, are we going to go rent movies for tonight?"

"Oh, you bet we are," Sandy says, trying to act more upbeat than he feels.

As if he had read his thoughts, Seth sighs. "It won't be the same."

"No, it won't be." Sandy goes over and puts an arm on Seth's shoulders. "I'm sure it won't be easy on any of us," he adds. "We can only…"

"Wait until it gets better?"

Sandy nods. "Yes."

"I know. It sucks."

Sandy smiles. "It does."

…………………………..

When Kirsten wakes up and comes into the living area, Seth and Sandy are flopped on the couch in front of the TV, commenting on the movie they're watching.

"No, dad, really, it's embarrassing."

"But I thought that Ninja was…"

Smiling, she pours herself a cup of coffee and goes to sit between her son and her husband, gratefully leaning on Sandy.

She lets what Seth and Sandy are saying wash over her, their words soothing and comforting.

Holidays are always weird to go through, and she has no doubt that this year will be even worse. She misses Ryan, and she's sure that she, and Seth, and Sandy, will keep talking about him in the next few days, and even in the next few months; it's the only way they can continue to include him in their lives, the only way for them to make sure he's still with them, in some way.

I hurts, but it also helps, just a little.

And since a little is all they have, it will have to be enough.

END


End file.
